Lead; Don't Push

It was a warm, no, make that a hot, sunny day in June. My two little grandsons were playing "restaurant" with me in their "diner", an outdoor playhouse. They were taking my order, fixing it up, and serving my pretend food as I sat at their little table, pretending to eat and watching them interact with each other and me. Logan, the four-year-old, began pushing his younger brother, Andrew, in the direction he wanted him to go. Andrew, who loves his big brother, was not happy. In fact, he was quickly becoming quite put out with the bossy treatment he was getting from his big brother.
"Logan," I said patiently but firmly as I looked him in the eyes, "you don't need to push Andrew. It only makes him NOT want to do what you want him to do. Andrew is always trying to do what you do. All you have to do is walk where you want him to go, and he will gladly try to do whatever you are doing! When you push him, it only makes him angry. He loves you, and he wants to be big like you. Show him, lead him, but don't push him."
As the words of instruction came tumbling out of my mouth, it suddenly occurred to me: That is exactly what I, as a parent of an adult child, had been doing to frustrate my youngest but very adult son. I was pushing opinions, thoughts, and beliefs, instead of leading by my own life decisions and actions. No wonder I was and am frustrating him. vHe knows I love him, and like all children(adult or young) he wants to know that I am well pleased with him, but pushing what I think is best is actually having a negative effect on him -- regarding the choices he makes, the principals I hold dear, his faith in God, and his opinions of Christians in general. My pushing is also taking a huge toll on our relationship, and it's undercutting his self confidence. Instead of encouraging him, I am discouraging him. Which is, of course, the last thing on earth I want to do. I know that I do what I do out of love, unlike the selfishness and desire for control that drives preschoolers, but that doesn't matter. Even if pushing is done in the name of "protection or preventing future regret or pain", it still feels the same on the receiving end of the push. My adult children have to make their own way. They have to make their own decisions, their own mistakes and their own successes. They don't like pushing anymore than Andrew does. They don't need it anymore than Andrew does.
God is amazing. I had been asking God for wisdom and guidance. And there, in the midst of a moment when I thought I was teaching my grandson about getting along with his little brother, God taught me.